Sunday, February 3, 2008

I've been Touched by His Noodly Appendage!

Well, I've been toying with the idea of joining a religion for some time now. I just have this hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I looked at Christianity. Nope. Too many reasons to list. Very anti-women for one thing. And there's no evidence that Jesus actually existed. Original sin? Whatever.

Judaism. Nope. My mother isn't a Jew, and they discourage converts (not a bad thing!). Also, it's too barbaric. I would never circumcise my son for any reason. I think he might object now, anyway.

Hinduism. Nope. Too many deities to keep track of.

Islam. Nope. Although I don't normally show a lot of flesh, covering everything all the time just sounds too hot. And as for the circumcision thing, in certain parts of the world they often even circumcise girls - otherwise known as female genital mutilation. Talk about barbaric. I thought Christianity is anti-women... Actually, in Northern Africa, parts of Asia, and the Middle East, female genital mutilation is practiced by other religions, too. Including Christians.

Rastafarianism. Nope. I'm not black or a vegetarian (I'm actually not sure that you have to be either). Although I don't mind reggae music and could probably get into that "holy herb" thing, especially since they frown on drinking alcohol.

All of these rely on blind faith. Being a scientist, I have to have some evidence.

. I finally found one that I think can really satisfy my hunger! The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster! There are millions if not thousands of believers around the world! This is what finally convinced me:The statistically significant inverse relationship between the number of pirates and the average global temperature over the last 200 years.

The Church of the FSM is a tolerant and peaceful religion. No Pastafarian has ever killed anyone over their religious beliefs. Just think to yourself WWFSMD.

The only thing I wasn't too hot on was the beer volcanoes and stripper factories in heaven. Then I read The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and found that there "[are probably] male strippers (whew!), but they are invisible to the non-homo guys." Maybe there's a Long Island Iced Tea* or Gin and Tonic volcano thrown in somewhere. I can always hope. By the way, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster only took about three hours to read as opposed to some other religious texts like the bible that I won't name.

Even the fundamentalist Christians have accepted that the Pastafarian god has bigger balls than theirs. His noodly goodness is just one delicious god! I'm logging off now. I have to go out and get my full pirate regalia. Aaarrrrrrr and RAmen.*For my British readers reader, Long Island Iced Teas are the nectar of the gods FSM. On two trips to England, I've only found one bartender who knew how to make one, and definitely not for lack of trying. He worked at Finnegans Wake in Ealing.

1 comment:

Kia said...

Ah, yes, Long Island Ice Tea. I had a transcendental experience with that once (back in 1995 at Moo U.) when I was transported along the space-time continuum for several hours. Unfortunately, my re-entry to Earth was a little rough.