Sunday, May 11, 2008

Kids say the darndest things

Mother's Day post with a nod to Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby. This post was actually inspired by my mother. My mother and I were talking the other day about when my son was little, and some of the things he said. We managed to crack each other up. Karloff over at Pax Compoundia provided the impetus to write it with a similar post.

My son at about age three:

Speaking to the air in general. Or maybe the dog. I couldn't tell: "I stand up to go to the bathroom...and Mom sits down to go to the bathroom*...(long pause and much thought).....and Dad lies on the couch because his back hurts."**

*I just want everyone to know that I'm almost certain that my son NEVER saw me on the toilet. EVER.
**I'm also pretty certain that David never peed on the couch.

My son at about age four:

He and my mother drove past a rural Indiana elementary school which happened to have a cemetery right next door.

My son: "That's handy!"
My mother: "What?"
My son: "The school right next to the cemetery. If any of the kids die in school, they can just throw them over the fence."
Age six:

We were living in Indiana, and my son's five year old cousin Jamie acquired a new baby brother. My son's dad, David, called from California and we put the two kids on the phone together and prompted my son to ask about the new baby.

My son: "How's the new baby?" [pause] "He WHAT?" [pause] "Oh.........." (Strange look) "Ok, bye!" and he hung up the phone before we could get it back.

My parents and I asked how Jamie's new baby brother was.
My son: "He sucks on the cat."
Us (in unison): "WHAT?"
My son: "He sucks on his mom's cat."
We thought this was odd - I knew my son's aunt didn't like cats, and she certainly wouldn't have let a baby suck on one, so we figured it must have been a stuffed toy.

A few minutes later, we got a call back from David, laughing, and we managed to put both sides of the conversation together:

My son: "How is the new baby?"
Jamie: "He SUCKS!"
My son: "He WHAT?"
Jamie: "He sucks on my mom's TITTY!"

Somewhere around age seven:

Pete (David's life partner) and I were driving with our son and his best friend Colin in the car. The kids were in the back seat with some toys making airplane noises and crashing sounds. We stopped at a watch repair place and I ran in to get a new battery. When I got back, Pete was looking as though he would burst. He said he'd tell me later. Apparently what had happened was:

Kids: "EEEEeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrbbrrrrrbrrrrrr.. Pssh! PPPPPPssh!"
The noises suddenly stopped.
Colin to our son: "What does gay mean?"
At this point Pete froze.
Our son: "Ask him. He's gay."
Pete: (thinking) "Crap, crap, crap, crap..."
Colin: "Pete? What does gay mean?"
Pete: (fiddling with the radio dials trying desperately to buy time), "Uh...uh...hold on a minute, I just want to listen to this....." (at the time, we didn't know Colin's mom all that well)
Our son (matter-of-factly saving the day): "It means when two men love each other."
Colin: "Oh."
Kids:"EEEEeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrbbrrrrrbrrrrrr.. Pssh! PPPPPPssh!"


Anonymous said...

Excellent post. Kids are a riot.

karloff said...

Woo to somehow acting as muse.

We all found the school next to the cemetery thing hilarious. The gay story is great as well.

Laurie said...

Thanks, both of you!